Monday, May 9, 2011 @ 11:42 PM
DEMORALISING DAY.
Realised that. I really wasted a large chunk of my life being nonchalent to studies and a lot of other things in life, and just wanting to rest. Asked myself what have I really done to deserve any break, any lying on the bed and just sleeping. The answer is like, none at all.
3/25. IS MY BLOODY MARKS FOR ECONS ESSAY TEST. And seriously. That's quite a boomz wake-up call. I really felt like shit. And maybe that might be a partial reason why I stoned for the whole 3hr tutorial today. Like seriously, there are some stuffs that went into my brain, I really am sure of that, but, most others just cant get in. I FEEL LIKE A BLOODY FAILURE.
And, what really pissed me off was when my friends exclaimed my marks so loudly as if 3/25 isnt clear enough. But maybe it's just part of their personality, I cant blame them. But everytime I hear someone verbalising my weaknesses/flaws/failures, like totally, my mood is like WTFWTHGODIELAHASS. That means, it's my own problem for getting pissed. And everytime it's like, f, idk whether its just anger or anger + stress + feel like shit + etc, I WANNA CRY SO BADLY. Yes, I feel like crying now when I'm typing this. So when I said bye to them, I turned into the other direction and started shedding tears unwillingly, but I told myself, I will want to cry in my own room. So just tolerated and ate a Cornetto and went back home to my bed and laid down and tried crying, but this time not so ... It's not what I wanted.
I have always wanted to find a time at home to cry my lungs out, during the period of time when we are still practicing for SYF, when I started gaining attention from TSH for my U grades, when I'm still having baptism classes/piano/tuition, when Miss Ong started to feel disappointed in me, when I feel that I cant cope.
Maybe I should try tomorrow. YES, it does sound silly. But I need to scream, I shed tears to relieve stress. I need to punch and throw things, even though I may not this time, since it's been long ever since we moved here and things placed in the house are orderly, and there are a lot of glass in this house. Like crap. I need a place to scream then, some place. A cliff? A place with a clear blue sky and green plains? Yeah I would like that.
I think I need to start organising too ;/ My room (actually my desk), my bag,
and my life. Which kinda centres around studies. Please God, be my centre in my life. And take away this pain I'm experiencing. I feel like utter shit now.
Morning Star would be a nice song to sing :D The loss of my freedom, and maybe sanity.
Anyways today was the Mothers' Day dinner, at Thai Express instead of Seoul Garden because of long queue, expensive la, they say food no nice, but I think it's okay.
So hope that there's no homework due tmr (today), looking forward to choir practice that's resuming tmr! Cause now's 0000 10 May hahaha! There's celebratory lunch/dinner for us SYF peeps :D
Ciao!
