Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 11:03 PM
I'm constantly thinking that I've got a fucked up life. Today was as usual.
Just a much more blown-up argument between mum and sis. Yeah, always mum and sis.
My sister, in a fit of anger, called my mother a bitch.
Totally. I dont know. Struck with something. I was in her room using my laptop. And yeah, they went on and my mother threw the basketful of clothes into the room. And she went into our bedroom and slammed the door. I turned off the laptop and went for a walk. Without my keys. At 5.30pm, around there. I cried, I sorted out my thoughts. I think I did that for like one hour and I gathered my courage to press the doorbell. No one answered. I thought they were still angry. I walked. And I think I pressed the doorbell again, and no one answered. I went for a walk somemore and I look at the windows from downstairs. Can't see anything. Then walked and walked. I waited outside the door. Slept there. I pressed the doorbell again. NO ONE ANSWERED. So I took a walk at the swimming pool, stargazed, press doorbell because I saw the living room lights on while my sis room's also on, except for my mum's , walkwalk into games room,
and then went back, and I'm glad that Dad's home. It's 9.00pm. Mom's not at home. Sis is bathing. Bathed. Came out. ... Did my GP homework until now. Just now Dad asked me where is Mom cause her phone is off. Blahs, asked me what happened. Mum came back and I saw her sleeping on the sofa. I took her blanket her bolster and her covereyesthing and placed it near her. When I heard the door sounds and etc, I wanted to go and hug her and say I love you and glad that you're back. Something held me back. I cried in the blooddy toilet, thinking how nice someone gone had came back, I thought something really bad could happen to her. I kind of confront my father with "Do you believe in God?" when he actually have the fucking courage to attempt to say that this family would break up one day, while he spent like idk how many fucking hours in church, and haven't got a bloody clue that God is the provider, the saviour and He will solve our problems, including my foul mouth/mind/hands at the moment.
I don't know what will happen tommorrow. All I know is that I am glad that my family is safe, like physically safe. I thank God for that. And I promised myself that I will work hard for my studies, especially my Maths, so that I will not break anymore hearts. I want to scream I love you to all my family members, hug them, kiss them, I want them to say jiayou to me and study hard. I am having tears in my eyes now. I don't know how the shit and why the hell I am in this type of family, neither her nor there, but I want to thank God that they're safe. I feel so damn guilty for using vulgarities, like what they've discussed in today's sharing after the service.
I will study hard from now on. I really do. Tommorrow will definitely be an ugly day for sure, but with the mindset that "God is the Provider", I don't think I should worry so much. Yeah I'm pretty scared. But I'll be more scared if my mom or anyone else in the family got into a carcrash or something bad happened to them, I'm quite happy for now.
Yeap, I will continue on my stupid GP essays and I shall at least do some Maths today. For my family and for myself. I want As. I want my top in class back. I want God in my life. I want to lead a normal, contented life. With my family.
And this shall be the first time I valued my family so much. Thank you God, You always make things happen for a good reason, and I realised one today (;
